I am not depressed

by neuro diver

 

Everything was so much more defined then .

 

Moments razor-sharp , focused and separate and shining . Dense . Measured by the colourful abundance contained within a millisecond.

Vivid, they stood alone , each a star by its own right , a spectrum of every conceivable emotion , haughty and flamboyant and incorrigible , every moment : a lifetime

 

Not like now…

A jumbled mess now ..

A blurred blob of haziness now

of fleeting emotions .

Shadows of thoughts . diluted . Compressed and grey . calling past glories in a never-ending cycle of sour nostalgia-

bitter nostalgia- dull and prickly

never sweet

 

and then the loneliness kicks in

 

And I recall I was never alone then.

Forever surrounded by kindred confreres

sharing the earthly journeys

The deepest of companionships , fickle and flimsy , yet true-

unspoken and undistorted by the misrepresentation of speech

adventure beckoned and like brave warriors we followed ,

a game of tag the ultimate epic battle

Television ? a mere shadow in the face of the magnificence of our collective imagination

 

but slowly it dimmed down (as the screens became brighter)

slowly, the ties broke ( as the gaps became wider)

slowly, the epic battle became a game of pretend ,

and slowly, the game came to an end

 

Their names buried deep within the wrinkles

and Death , easing eraser of the unforgotten

 

By my window , alone , I sit .

-unseeing-

This grey world belongs to the new .

I grasp at the fine filaments of fleeting joy passing before my unseeing eyes , lost to everything that’s been , to aborted moments , to the faces of my fallen peers , blurring and diminishing as my spirit , and I close my eyes and I diminish,

too.

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