W = m*g
by neuro diver
warning: Frivolity ahead.
I’ve recently observed the most bizarre of behaviours among my fellow homo sapiens , one which had me scratching my head and furiously turning the cogs of my brain in the hopes of posting a hypothesis or discovering a theory which could explain this odd turn of events.
It went as follows : Upon meeting another , the homo sapiens’ eyes join together to form a single window which contains the spinning digits designating the kgs/lbs associated with the person facing them , followed by their energetic exclamations of surprise and shock upon their quick calculation of weight lost/gained since the last encounter.
By some odd twist of evolutionary mutation , or maybe a spiritual metempsychosis that took a wrong turn, it would appear that a new sub-species of homo sapiens has manifested itself , the homo-balanceus , who seem to share the aspect of having been reincarnated into their current bodies from … SCALES !
Upon closer examination , it was found that those with predispositions to this particular evolutionary tactic mostly hail from locations which share certain geographical characteristics : high heat ,humidity and close proximity to a large body of water– with a few exceptions of course , as is the case with most inquiries into the human species.
Moreover, this behaviour seems to extend beyond the temporal boundaries of the first few moments of interaction , reinforcing the hypothesis that these humans are indeed reincarnated from scales as they present an inability to engage their acquaintances in any topic beyond that of weight loss or weight gain.
So engaged by this particular theme the homo-balanceus seem to be , in fact , that when one attempts to route the conversation to a different subject matter in an effort to restrict the awkwardness that such frivolous and boring topics give rise to , or to limit the redundancy one feels at the repetitive explications of how the activity levels offered during the summer season compounded by the newfound desire to eat healthily could potentially bring about weight loss , the homo-balanceus seems unable to cope with the change in conversation , switching back to confirmations of weight fluctuations as the main topic of exchange , and further affirming their complete shock at ” how much you look better ” , as if one were that fat and ugly previously ( it’s only a few kgs people ! not that shocking really) , with complete disregard for the receiver’s nature as not lending themselves to frequent displays of vanity.
In an effort to stop this epidemic from taking over the world , it is recommended that everyone stop talking about weight.
So if you feel the need to answer the compulsion of wording the blatant knowledge of my weight loss in the future , don’t . My need for a visit to the mall to replace too loose pants as well as the ACTUAL scale I possess are informant enough of the state of my body’s characteristics . So please stop mentioning my weight unless it pertains to the conversation we are having as a SECONDARY topic . Else I shall find the need to adopt a defensive stance which will consist of going into a detailed account of my latest bowel movement and how I believe it has contributed to my weight loss . I promise I will make you very uncomfortable.
Thank you for your understanding.
PS: on a similar note, I wish to make known my extreme displeasure over the urge some people seem to have of imparting their personal beliefs on nail biting . I am completely accepting of this wonderful habit which helps me think and de-stress better than any pill would , and absolutely adore my stubby fingertips . so please restrain yourselves from telling me to stop biting my nails.